Be Selfish!!!

Let’s begin with this excerpt from the book The Forty Rules of Love -

Excerpts from The Forty Rules of Love, Elif Shafak -

"And here is what he told us:

Four merchants were praying in a mosque when they saw the muezzin enter. The first merchant stopped his prayer and asked, “Muezzin! Has the prayer been called? Or do we still have time?”

The second merchant stopped praying and turned to his friend. “Hey, you spoke while you were praying. Your prayer is now void. You need to start anew!”

Upon hearing this, the third merchant interjected, “Why do you blame him, you idiot? You should have minded your own prayer. Now yours is void, too.”

The fourth merchant broke into a smile and said loudly, “Look at them! All three have messed up. Thank God I’m not one of the misguided.”

After telling the story. Shams stood facing the classroom and asked, “So what do you think? Which of the merchants’ prayers, in your opinion, were invalid?”

There was a brief stirring in the classroom as we discussed the answer among ourselves. Finally someone at the back said, “The second, the third, and the fourth merchants’ prayers were void. But the first merchant is innocent, because all he wanted was to consult the muezzin.”

“Yes, but he shouldn’t have abandoned his prayer like that,” Irshad interposed. “It is obvious that all the merchants were wrong, except the fourth one, who was just talking to himself.”

I averted my gaze, disagreeing with both answers but determined to keep my mouth shut. I had a feeling my views might not be welcome.

But no sooner had this thought crossed my mind than Shams of Tabriz pointed at me and asked, “And you over there! What do you think?”

I swallowed hard before I could find my voice. “If these merchants made a mistake, it is not because they spoke during prayer,” I said “but because instead of minding their own business and connecting with God, they were more interested in what was going on around them. However, if we pass judgment on them, I am afraid we’ll be making the same crucial mistake.”

“So what is your answer?” Sheikh Yassin asked, suddenly interested in the conversation.

“My answer is, all four merchants have erred for a similar reason, and yet none of them can be said to be in the wrong, because at the end of the day, it is not up to us to judge them.”

Shams of Tabriz took a step toward me and looked at me with such affection and kindness that I felt like a little boy savoring the unconditional love of a parent. He asked my name, and when I told him, he remarked, "Your friend Husam here has a Sufi heart."

Message - Be totally selfish (self-focused) when you are on spiritual journey.

In a society that incessantly demands our attention, external validation, and judgment, we frequently look outward to evaluate our progress, morality, and self-worth. However, this excerpt serves as a profound cautionary tale regarding the dangers of an external gaze.

When Shams of Tabriz shares the parable of the four merchants in the mosque, we witness a chain reaction of judgment: the first stops praying to question the muezzin; the second halts his prayer to correct the first; the third rebukes the second; and the fourth boasts about being the only one who remained uncorrupted. Ultimately, every single merchant fails.

As the young student Husam insightfully notes, their fundamental mistake was not merely speaking during prayer—it was that "instead of minding their own business and connecting with God, they were more interested in what was going on around them."

On the spiritual path, looking outward is a trap. To achieve true awakening, one must cultivate a radical, sacred focus on the self.

1. Minding Your Own Connection: Focus on Self, Not Others

The tragedy of the four merchants lies in how effortlessly they were swayed by their surroundings. The moment our attention shifts to what another person is doing, saying, or experiencing, our connection to the divine—and to our own center—is severed.

Spirituality is neither a spectator sport nor a group examination where we grade our peers. When you critique another person's journey, you effectively abandon your own "prayer." True growth demands an uncompromising boundary: your sole responsibility is your own soul.

2. Redirecting the Senses Inward

Our sensory organs are naturally wired to look, listen, and reach outward. They consume the distractions of the material world, leaving us vulnerable to comparison, gossip, and judgment.

To break the cycle that ensnared the merchants, we must practice the art of redirecting our senses inward. Instead of using your eyes to spot a flaw in another, use your inner vision to scan your own heart. Instead of using your voice to correct a neighbor, use your breath to find stillness. By pulling our awareness away from external noise, we conserve the energy required to fuel our inner transformation.

This brings to mind a student who asked a question a few years ago. She mentioned that she had joined a meditation group but was unsure if the people there were genuinely meditating or simply pretending.

My simple response to her was that regardless of what they were doing, she herself was certainly not meditating—because her focus was on others, whereas the entire purpose of meditation is to focus on your own inner self.

3. The Illusion of Control: Change is Only Possible Within

The second and third merchants fell into the trap of trying to fix someone else. It is a deeply ingrained human flaw to believe we can reform the people around us.

"Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself." — Rumi

The absolute truth of the spiritual journey is that change is only possible for the self, never for others. Attempting to force change upon someone else is not only futile, but it also stems from the ego. When we shift our focus entirely to our own healing, our inner transformation naturally ripples outward, inspiring change without us ever having to demand it.

4. The World as an Awakening Device

The final shift in perspective happens when we realize that the outer world is not an obstacle to our growth—it is the very tool designed to trigger it.

The universe, with all its chaotic characters, annoying situations, and beautifully flawed people, is a giant mirror. The entire world is a device created specifically to awaken you. When someone triggers your anger, judgment, or pride (just as the merchants triggered one another), they are exposing an unhealed part of your own psyche. Instead of judging the mirror for what it reflects, thank it for showing you where you still need to grow.

"Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves." — Carl Jung

If we can recognize and internalize this truth, we can only marvel at the compassion of the Divine for creating such a massive mechanism solely for our personal evolution. In this grand device, the individual who awakens is the End Goal, while everyone who has not yet awakened becomes the Means to that End.

5. Conclusion: The Radical Act of "Spiritual Selfishness"

Be totally selfish when you are on a spiritual journey.

In a materialistic world, selfishness is viewed as a vice. But in the realm of the soul, it is an absolute necessity. This is not a selfishness born of greed or vanity, but of deep responsibility. You cannot pour from an empty cup, and you cannot elevate the consciousness of the world while your own house is divided. Therefore, we must first fulfill the self, and others will automatically be served by that overflowing Self.

Like Husam, we must realize that it is not our place to judge who is "right" or "wrong" in the grand theater of life. Drop the heavy burden of monitoring others. Return to your mat, return to your breath, and anchor your focus entirely within. Your only job is your own awakening; everything else will be attained automatically afterward.

“But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.” — Jesus (Matthew 6:33)

Gratitude!!!