Since the time I started Relationship Counselling Services, I realized that Narcissism is one of the main cause behind relationship troubles of people and the reason why it becomes the main cause is that most of the times, person himself or people around them are not even aware that person is Narcissist. They try to deal with person in normal way and obviously, they fail miserably. In this article, I will try to tell, as per my experience and knowledge, about Narcissism and how to deal with them effectively. Of course, this is experience I gained from Relationship Counselling Sessions and directly dealing with a few Narcissists in my life. I have no hesitation in saying that quite unknowingly I was also having some traits of Narcissism till my early 20s. This is when I started realizing some negative traits within me and started working on them. Later I came to know that all those traits are symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. That’s why; it is such a dangerous personality disorder because there is a very less awareness around it and people are not even aware that they are Narcissists. You can start treatment only when you know you are ill. Hence, I will try to state some of the reasons/traits/planetary positions regarding Narcissism and also the way to handle those people if you are somewhere connected with them. Obviously, this is a huge topic of research which will require further research, articles and sessions but every big journey starts with a small step forward.
Let’s cover this article under following points –
Origin of the word Narcissistic.
Reasons which create a Narcissistic Personality.
Planetary Position in Chart.
Traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
How to Handle a Narcissist?
Personality Disorders – There are many different personality disorders which can be broadly clustered in three parts but Narcissistic Personality Disorder is the one which we are focusing here. I think this topic is such a huge one that we may need a series of articles to cover all different types of personality disorders but for now, we can focus mainly on Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Another thing is that many of the traits/characteristics of these personality disorders overlaps with each other. For example, a single trait can be exhibited by Psychopath and Narcissist both. So, many a times a person can have two separate personality disorders at the same time.
Origin of the word Narcissistic – Origin of the word Narcissistic is from the story of Greek Mythology of a character named Narcissus.
“This is the story of Echo and Narcissus. When Linope gave birth to the handsome child Narcissus, she consulted the seer Tiresias, who predicted that the boy would live a long life only if he never discovered himself. One day Narcissus was walking in the woods when Echo, an Oread (mountain nymph) saw him, fell deeply in love, and followed him. Narcissus sensed he was being followed and shouted "Who's there?". Echo repeated "Who's there?" She eventually revealed her identity and attempted to embrace him. He stepped away and told her to leave him alone. She was heartbroken and spent the rest of her life in lonely glens until nothing but an echo sound remained of her. Nemesis, the goddess of revenge, noticed this behaviour after learning the story and decided to punish Narcissus. Once, during the summer, he was getting thirsty after hunting, and the goddess lured him to a pool where he leaned upon the water and saw himself in the bloom of youth. Narcissus did not realize it was merely his own reflection and fell deeply in love with it, as if it were somebody else. Unable to leave the allure of his image, he eventually realized that his love could not be reciprocated and he melted away from the fire of passion burning inside him, eventually turning into a gold and white flower. “ Courtey - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissus_(mythology)...
From this character named Narcissus came the word Narcissistic. Narcissistic is commonly known as a person who has strong sense of self importance. They somehow feel that whole world is there to serve them.
Reasons which create a Narcissistic Personality – Now, understand that how a Narcissistic Personality develops or builds –
a. First of all, a common theme you will find among most of Narcissists is that they all have complicated relation with their Father. Either Father was absent totally from life or Father was not giving attention to children or Father was just not concerned with family life.
b. The reason why Father becomes important here is that Father builds your confidence. Father gives the confidence to child that he will be able to face the world and compete with all others.
c. Now, when Father is absent from childhood then it means that child is growing-up with lack of confidence. He starts feeling that I am not good enough or I am not smart enough like all others.
d. But then he can’t show to the world that he is keeping these feelings about himself because he still has to compete with others. If his competitors come to know that he is lacking in confidence then he will lose the battle before it even begins.
e. This is where he has to over-compensate himself and present himself in this world as a super-confident person, so that others should be impressed. To over-compensate, he projects himself as over-confident person because within him, at least he knows very well that he has no confidence.
f. Now, when a person behaves in an over-confident ways over some period of time, it becomes habit of that person and after some time, it gets imbibed in the nature.
g. Then they will present themselves as self-obsessed person and Narcissistic Personality Disorder will take its complete shape.
h. Now, this process of becoming a Narcissist Personality will also give you an idea that why most of them are not even aware of it? It is because they feel going through this process was very much part of their necessity in life.
Planetary Position in Chart – Now, if we want to see what planetary positions in chart can cause this type of result then in my experience of looking at charts of people who had shown traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, then it is mostly Sun-Saturn energy exchange.
Understand that everything here is starting with Father’s absence. Sun is Father and Saturn is limitation. Sun-Saturn energy exchange means limited happiness or support from Father. If we go into mythology then Sun-Saturn are actually Father and Son. They are farthest away from each other in Astronomy too. So, Sun-Saturn energy exchange creates absence of Father and rest of the things follow after that as discussed above. It can be their conjunction, mutual aspect, one-side aspect, Parivartan Yoga or Nakshatra Parivartan Yoga.
Besides that, Sun at the axis of Rahu-Ketu can also create this situation of issues with Father and ego hurt which will lead person to present as highly confident person.
But again, we can’t make a generic rule that every person with these combinations will be suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder – Now, how to know that someone has Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Following are some common traits or characteristics which you can find in their behavior –
1. As I said, they have this strong sense of self-importance. They feel that whole world is here to serve them. They feel that whole Universe is functioning because of them. Also, they somehow feel that all these planets are not revolving around Sun but these are actually revolving around them.
2. They think that whole world is supposed to admire them even if they are not doing anything to gain that admiration. Remember the story, Narcissus had fallen into self-admiration.
3. Biggest suffering for them is when someone is not giving attention to them.
4. They lack empathy. Others’ feelings and sentiments don’t matter for them.
5. They want to talk with you till the time talk is in their favor and satisfying their ego. The moment you show them mirror, they don’t want to continue the conversation.
6. They don’t commit suicide but because of them, others commit suicide.
7. It is almost impossible for them to apologize. Even if they apologize, they do it in a way as if they are doing any favor on you or to manipulate/abuse/torture you further.
8. They behave like predators and they see you as a prey. They don’t leave you and come back again & again to disturb your peace. They never let you have a closure of matter.
9. If they are in relationship with you and you are happy in their absence then they can’t tolerate it. They feel that they can be the only reason behind their partner’s happiness. They can’t imagine that you can be happy without them.
10. Then there are some passive narcissists too. People who are in habit of blocking/unblocking people on Mobile or Social Networking Sites belong to this category. Understand what they are doing by blocking/unblocking you? They are keeping the control with them. Whenever they want to disturb your peace, they will unblock you and talk to you. Whenever they want to treat you like trash, they will block you again. They are not letting you having a closure of matter.
11. They present themselves as victims of circumstances or victims of other people to gain your sympathy, so that they can manipulate you later.
12. One of the common traits is that they will make mistakes and if you only respond to that mistake, they will project as if it is your mistake to even respond or react. It is as if you should have accepted every abuse from them gladly. They are good at making you feel guilty of their mistakes.
13. They feel that whole world is plotting against them.
14. They want to have the best things in life, even when they are not doing anything to get those things.
15. They can’t tolerate even the slightest of criticism. It takes them back to primitive days when they were feeling lack of confidence and hurts that vulnerable point.
16. By no means is this list exhaustive. These are only some main traits they show. They can always build upon these traits.
How to Handle a Narcissist? – Now, the main trouble is when you are dealing with a Narcissist in friendship or relationship because let’s face it that Relationship is all about mutually devoting to each other and Narcissist is a person who is all about himself. So, it is like the worst nightmare one can have when they are friends with or in relationship with a Narcissist.
How to deal or handle such a situation?
Well, it’s simple. Please don’t deal or handle on your own. Don’t try to be their savior because you can’t be. Save yourself from them.
They need help from a professional Psychologist. It is not your job to heal or help them. Cut-off your connections after giving them visiting card of the best Psychologist of the town till they become a better person. The reason why I say that you should cut-off your connection with them is the same thing that they will not even accept that they need any help. In their eyes, they are perfect. In such situations, you can’t do anything for them unless they realize by themselves and move towards improvement. Again, I accept that they need help but I am only saying that you are not Rehabilitation Centre.
Advise them to take help from the best Psychologist and move on. Many a times, just move on because giving this much advice would further infuriate them. Don’t ever think that you alone can cooperate with them and can make this friendship or relationship improve. As I said, they don’t commit suicide but they make others commit suicide by their behavior.
Conclusion – Let’s conclude with this conversation from Mindhunter Webseries on Netflix –
“Holden Ford : So what are you teaching?
Wendy Carr : Um, I'm teaching a class on the intersection of sociopathy and fame. People like, um, Andy Warhol, Jim Morrison. Their celebrity becomes the only thing they need to sustain their ego.
Bill Tench : Nixon was a sociopath.
Wendy Carr : Very similar.
Holden Ford : How do you get to be president of the United States if you're a sociopath?
Wendy Carr : The question is, how do you get to be president of the United States if you're *not*? That's why this work is so vital. It goes so much further than the FBI.
Bill Tench : All the way to the White House.
Wendy Carr : Perhaps, yeah.”
Hope this helps. Thanks,
Swami Premanand Bharti